Daily Jokes
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Daily jokes
Next update: 09/08/2008
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- PenisBot's Daily Jokes
- A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!" - Q: what's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, And a blonde?
A: the prostitute says "aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says "are you done already?"
The blonde says "beige...i think i'll paint the ceiling beige." - One day a man came home from work and told his wife, "Hon, I had the urge to put my thing in the pickle slicer."
"Oh, my God, you should get some help!" his wife said. The next day he came home.
"Hon, I had that urge again!"
"That's it! After work tomorrow, I'm taking you to a doctor!"
The third day he came home all depressed and said, "Hon, I finally did it."
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"They fired me - and the pickle slicer too." - Q: what two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: her feet! - Yo mama's so fat she gets turned on reading a cook book!
- A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.
"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"
"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"
"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."
"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."
"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!" - Q: what do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: last years hide and go seek winner. - Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal! - A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small pop quiz around Halloween.
"Okay, how many of you have seen a ghost?" About 30% of the class puts their hand up.
"Okay, how many of you have actually touched a ghost?" About 10% of the class puts their hand up.
"Okay, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?" Dead silence, until a little redneck boy in the back row puts up his hand.
"You've actually had sex with a ghost?"
"Ghost? Oh. I thought you said goat!" - Q: why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: so she could keep the refrigerator cold.
09/06/2008
- The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
- What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
- What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute. - Q: why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. - When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
- Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
- What kind of fish does a priest eat?
Nun! - When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
- A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf." - What do you call a line of blondes?
Easy Street
09/05/2008
- What do you get when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Dough Nuts! - Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
- A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!" - A local reporter was interviewing locals about the various uses of vaseline. He knocked on a door, and a man answered in his bathrobe.
"Sir, could you tell me what you use vaseline for?"
"Hmm...well, dry lips, dry skin, and, of course, sex."
"Sex?"
"Well, me and the missus put a little vaseline on the doorknob..."
"Yeah?"
"And it keeps the kids out." - Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
- The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" - Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating? - Q: what do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: an air bag. - Q: what's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "thanks, guys..." - Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby?
A: Your dad's a wanker.
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